Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
who wants to go expliring
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.