I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
HELP 😭
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”