date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
You Might Also Like
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Favourite diary entry ever
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.