If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.