The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.