Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.