The point of your 20s
You Might Also Like
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
We need to put an American base on the sun
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Spa day..😅
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married