Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.