my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
This is sending me to another galaxy
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me opening up to someone
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*