H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.