Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?