[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Bring back the McRib
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.