I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
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justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.