7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
You Might Also Like
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Never forget.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
12. I think about this all the damn time
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076