boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.