and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You Might Also Like
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”