I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Husband of the year 😂
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.