Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Rambo Rambow
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”