My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.