When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
You Might Also Like
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot