At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.