The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Good advice.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
it’s finally my moment to shine
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.