my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.