doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Meow
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.