[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You Might Also Like
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”