Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
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I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product