Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
You Might Also Like
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?