“HELP WITH CAT”
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome