Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Match dot com, but for socks.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens