Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.