Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
What personal space?
My dog
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.