My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.