Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no