Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite