Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Ironic
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!