My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.