My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Growing up was a huge mistake
How do you milk an almond?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.