Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.