Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash