Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
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Dear women, when you鈥檙e not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I鈥檓 giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 馃帀
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they鈥檒l carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you鈥檙e wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
4 pm:
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn鈥檛 do it any longer. So don鈥檛 expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)