Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
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reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.