There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Breaking news:
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My favorite female superhero
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.