I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Meow
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you