If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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Look at this
me refusing to leave twitter
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely