Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You Might Also Like
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
For anyone who needs this today
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever