Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?