I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*