I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
S O O N
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.