OKAY DAD
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision