babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.